LOVE, LUST, LIFE SERIES: THE STAGES OF A BREAKUP
It happens to every single person, at least once (and if it's been once, email me. I'd be interested in learning how the hell that happened). Relationships have a way of spinning out of control, out of love, and out of time. So, the inevitable happens, you break up. Someone is devastated (and if you're not at least sad, please email me too. I'd be interested in hearing that story)-and left to deal with it. The length of time it takes to get over someone varies by a person's ability to bounce back. So what's your bounce rate for a relationship? How long does it take you to get over that person and move the hell on? A week? A month? A year? NEVER? (Let's hope not). Since I figure we can all relate on some level the phase of a breakup, I thought I'd break it down since I've done my share of breaking up and being broken up with.
• First things first, if you truly want to be over this person, stop texting him/her at 2AM, calling "just to check up", texting "hey, just thinking about you". Ya, you'll never heal if you don't just stop. Even if the opposing person is the one trying to communicate with you, break ties until you can honestly break away from that person. (Although, I personally feel like it is really difficult to achieve a "clean break" because you can fall out of love, but it's really hard to stop caring about someone). It really doesn't matter who did the dirt, who broke up with who, or the break up was clean. In order to MOVE ON, you must, must, must break away.
• Don't go on a date so quickly. I made the mistake of getting in this cycle of messing around just to somehow, get back at my ex but really it didn't help me get over that person. In a way, it sets you back, sometimes causing more damage. I say, take this time to focus on things you love. For me, it's my job/journey/career. I wanted to achieve great success on my own and this was the perfect opportunity to do so. I was single and ready to focus on what was important-me.
• We all feel some sort of depression at some point. We feel down, ugly, not wanted-all this even when we are the one doing the breaking up. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. But that doesn't mean that you should start rockin' sweats, baggy tees from Costco and Old Navy flip flops. Take care of yourself. Take enjoyment in getting dressed up and fancy. Take this time to put more thought into your style and steelo. You are allotted two candle lighting ceremonies to cry, write, blah blah, and then, snap out of it. Take a shower, brush your hair, put on some fancy clothes and go out with the girls.
• Get over it! Crying can only do so much. I got it all out at once, literally, ALL OUT. Then, once I was done, I was good. I brought around the most important people in my life; my best friends and close family and focused on the happiness I felt with them. Whining, bitching, complaining how alone you are, how much guys suck., blah blah blah, doesn't do much for you long term. Use this emotional time as a creative outlet. Utilize your emotions. Don't let them go to waste.
• Don't stalk! I made this mistake big time. I was all over this fool's Facebook, and whatever else I could get my hands on. What that did, was sink my insecurity in a awful downward spiral. I started freaking out that he was moving on, he was done, over it, blah ze blah. But really, who gives a shit? I think I realized that after the 100th time I checked his Facebook before I finally blocked it so I couldn't see it anymore (yes, I have NO self-control). Nothing good comes out of investigating what's going on with your ex. If anything, you'll just be extremely disappointed like I am.
• At some point, you'll stop being bitter. But until then, chin up and rise to the occasion. For my last ex, I broke up with him for his indiscretions. But even though, I'm the one who broke up with him, I keep digging a deeper hole. I wanted to find all the dirt I could on him, to dislike him more. I started being really bitter. After realizing what a waste of time that was, I grew away from that and turned that relationship into a lesson. If anything, I learned something so valuable, there wouldn't be enough money in the world, to learn something like this.
• I'm not a big fan with being friends with my exes. I just feel that nothing good could come out of that, regardless of being friends prior, or whatever. I just feel that what's done is done and you can't go and try to be BFF's. The last thing you want is new girlfriend drama, or you start getting jealous or he starts getting jealous on your new guy, or what have you. If you really want to break free from your relationship, it's best to clean slate it and not turning back. From experience, being friends with your ex isn't good news for you, him or either of your new partners.
• That being said, YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE! I know so many men and women who think that this particular person was it for them, including me. I thought that I couldn't find someone else to love me, or me to love them in the same way. But guess what, that's just being young and immature. You will find someone that really cares about you, AGAIN. I got to thinking a few weeks back, and I realized that we aren't dished out just one soulmate. There are many people in the world that could love us just the same if not better than the last person and they could, in turn, be your next soulmate. HOWEVER, don't be a cray cray girl that I know most women can be, and start lovin' everybody, and callin' everyone their soulmate. Ya, not cool.
• Regardless if your 23 or 43, stop putting yourself on some sort of time limit. Stop worrying about your clock ticking. I understand the old-fashion traits of wanting a family and being "susie homemaker". But there are so many options now. I consider myself a very independent woman and I could give two sneckels less if I never get married or get pregnant the "traditional" way. I'm happy being a career woman and I'll live my life the way I'm supposed to. So, don't worry about finding the right person. Who knows? Maybe the right person is yourself and the friends and family you surround yourself with. Be happy. Be content.
Life is funny, you know? You never know when things will end, when you'll end up alone or what could happen but it's a good ride. So, sit back and just enjoy it. You only get it once.
On a side note, I really thought this Heidi Mount Numero editorial was suited for my article. I love when editorials tell a clear cut story. To me, it fits exactly what I wrote about, a break-up and moving on.
images from Fashion Gone Rogue