I tend to come off as a cold, heartless bitch. And sometimes, a bit ruthless, sharing my thoughts to a person that are probably better left unsaid. I've realized recently, that a lot of that forceful opinion I tend to express is due to deflection. Instead of facing feelings or succumbing to vulnerability, I find a way to deflect and place onto the person confronting. This isn't always the case and is definitely more prevalent in regards to relationships. But, anyway, here we go.

I'm really the worst when it comes to dating. I rarely take it seriously and if I feel like it could be, I'll find a way to f*ck it up, be it that I become dodgy or rather I distance myself and assert myself in a physical sense, strictly. It's rare that a moment like this past June becomes this important, important enough for me to share with you.

June was fun; just turned 27, halfway through my first year in LA and working for a dope ass company, making cool shit happen. Then, I met this person. I didn't anticipate a lot of the moments he provided for me, moments I didn't really feel existed. These moments are actually so special to me now that it's something I couldn't share with the whole world without feeling like I'm sharing too much of an intimate moment. But I will say I've never felt more 15 and 27, all at the same time.

Cut to now. I've since moved forward. 

Even though he was an amazing person to talk to and share with, we were/are complete opposites. He's a Cancer, I'm a Gemini. Do your research; we could definitely be f*cked. I had a few new ventures, nothing serious as per my M.O. But I'd remembered he told me he had a ring I thought I had lost in a restaurant we went to and was actually pretty devastated about it since all three of my best friends have the same ring. I shot him a text to ask if he could mail it back like he said I would. Well, you know how this story goes. It had to be done in person.

To save you from the miniscule details, I just want to share one thing. I'm not one to be overly emotional nor do I want to talk about my feelings as I find them to be a sort of weakness specifically when it comes to relationships. But this person knew I wasn't telling the truth about my deflection. Having come for the ring, I got more than I bargained/wanted. 

I shared something I knew was very dangerous to do, for myself. I decided that I couldn't be free to move on from bitterness of a prior five year relationship, or move beyond the lies I've listened to from a multitude of West Coast to East Coast men, until I shared exactly what I felt without deflecting or hurting the person sitting in front of me. 

I told him how I felt. 

You may be thinking, so what? That is a common conversation amongst people who date/dated/dating etc. what is the big deal? Well, my M.O. is never share your feelings. There isn't much I can control in my life but the one thing I can really hold on to is my feelings. So, hold on, I do. This time was different though. I shared about as much as I could without breaking down. You know that moment of ecstasy when you finally release the truth, be in as a kid who lied about breaking something in the house or telling your best friend the truth about how that trip without you really made you feel; I knew I needed to share but was so overwhelmed by actually feeling and sharing all that information, that I knew any moment I could of lost it and broke down So I said what I needed to say, with a swiftness and certainty. But here's the real kicker. 

I did it knowing we wouldn't be together.

This person is incredible, beyond myself or any other being. He made a mission for his life, albeit not solidified. He definitely has an idea of what his life should be like and I would probably not be a part of it the way he may of thought it could be. And I had never sat with my feelings enough to realize how that decision would affect me. But having had the moment to myself after serious reflection of my deflection, I knew that this was the right thing to do, even if it meant not getting what I wanted. 

It's going to be fine, as I've written and said, over and over. The reason I say this is because I've held myself accountable by not only telling myself but I've told him and told a friend so the walls I've built will, at some point, have to come crumbling down. This moment was not just for him but really, for me. I needed to share that I cared for him so that I could realize that it's possible; it's okay to feel that way and it's fine to be alone with that feeling. I left his home, sad but a lot lighter. Like I said, releasing the truth is the best possible ecstasy in this world. And damn, so glad I met him and his many beautiful, odd eccentricities. 

There isn't necessarily a lesson to be shared but I do hope you find value in listening to yourself. We always know the truth, whether we admit to it or not. It doesn't mean we yell everything we've ever felt from the rooftops but it can mean speaking aloud your thoughts. They won't be lost, even if it's just to yourself. So, say them.

It's the way I came to clarity.