THIS SOMEHOW TURNED REALLY DEPRESSING
I turn 25 today. I know, for all my readers above the age 25, you probably want to slap me in my face. However, I've officially hit that infamous "Quarter-Life Crisis". I'm sitting here on the couch and have been for the past few hours contemplately my life up til now- what I've done with it, the decisions and choices I've made, the people I've met and the relationships I've had. And today, I can't help but think about what would of happened had I made different choices. I'll be honest with you- I'm not 100% happy with where my life is right now nor am I certain of the decisions I've made. (pops open bottle of champagne)
There have been many different opportunities in my life which have led me to make the decisions I've made. Moving from city to city, changing careers and mindsets. I became a careerist, more than I truly needed to be. I think about how I could of been married by now- if I stayed in my relationship of four years and worked it out, if I would of been happier now. Instead of a career to replace a relationship. If I put half as much effort into a relationship as I do my career, then maybe I would feel more complete as a woman. Not only accomplished but with love. (pops open two bottles of Lambrusco, no glass)
At 25 years old, I couldn't tell you what I've done that makes me feel accomplished or something I've triumphed. I couldn't tell you that I was happy with my decisions or who I've become. To be very honest with you, I'm not sure who I've become. I suppose this is all about growth in your 20's... or so they say. I want so badly to know what my purpose is, what I've doing all this for. And I suppose I'm questioning every decision and choice I've ever made. (pops open bottle of vodka)
At 11:26AM PST today, my mom gave birth to me, at 18 years old. I can tell you right now, the strength that my mom had, to give birth to me is more than I can understand. Looking at my mom, I believe she is accomplished, she is successful and she is one of the happiest people I know. I look at that- giving birth at 18 and sacrificing everything you knew before and wonder how I'll ever be able to do something so empowering and sacrificial. My mom is brilliant and beautiful, whether she knows this or not. And I look up to her with the brightest eyes, in hopes to find love, peace and joy just as much as she does.
Now before we go through our second box of tissue, I'm very thankful to be where I am today. For turning this age, in this city at this moment. Of course, I wish to be with my best friends and family in a city I love the most, surrounded by the best. But I am thankful. And I suppose I'll keep saying that until I believe it.
I originally was going to write this in my journal I've been keeping since 2004. I took a moment to read it- it's like a book of my young adulthood. It's almost a map of my life up til today. But TODAY, I decided to write these thoughts to you. From the moments I shared about my past relationship to my darkest moment with the assault, I've learned that sharing with you helps me deal, helps me cope and helps me not to keep things in the dark. Plus, I realized I'm never alone in my thoughts.
So now that all this alcohol is open, let's drink up. Share this moment with me and ching ching. And as always, thank you for 'listening'.
Now, on to the party- On the left, is what I did last year and on the right is what I'll be doing TODAY, as of 3PM. (Wipes tears, takes a swig and grabs heels)